changed my screwed up blog skin. a bit messy but i find it nice. it's called lost in beauty. yup if u look carefully, there is a butterfly somewhere. heh. i'm a butterfly freak.

cried my eyes out last night. well, it almost fell out. cried until my chest hurts. check the bloody web and i got a cap 3. yes, CAP 3. i was wondering whether i should jump and die, or swallow pills and die. i studied like shit. and i got that results. it shattered my good honours dream. suddenly life feels meaningless. u can tell me that life is not all about studies and good results. but after putting so much effort in my studies, i can tell u that it's almost my everything. it is my only way of proving to her that i am not as useless as she thinks i am. i have to show her in black and white that i am as good as or even better than her another daughter. i grew up rejected. now i have to find my own way around acceptance. this is how impt studies and results are to me. it proves my worth.

and i got a bloody cap 3.

who says hard work pays?
who says those who work hard will be rewarded?
who says do ur best and everything will turn out well?

God have His plans for us. how come all His plans for me are so rotten? why am i time and again pushed down and under? why is my life so full of failures? i'm already trying to hard. and they say those who been thru the fire is the real GOLD. yes i am leona the super-wonder-woman now. i've been thru shit in my life. i have seen the ugliest side of life. i have been to the pits of depression. SO WHAT? when will i be well rewarded with what my hard work deserves?
at times i do thank God for what i have. my dear girls, my frens, my dearest boyfren. but i'm still stuck in horrible situations. she's still unstable. my efforts gone, unseen. WHY?! so is life fair? i'm trying so hard. but what i get just slaps me back HARDER. and i end up here, screaming and crying towards heaven that i had enough. i had those shit for 19 yrs of my life. not enough? den what is enough?

next sem, someone should just tie me up and away frm my books. stop me frm studying. den my next results will not hurt me so badly.